Chocolate Fight Club

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And here we see the infamous chocolate fight club, where the best chocolate will emerge victorious after brutally beating the caramel out of the other contenders.

I will be totally upfront with you- I was not prepared to do this blog post. I did not read all the directions (but really, who does? I mean, I don’t even read the instructions when I clumsily try to assemble IKEA furniture.) on what sort of blog posts we were to write, so I assumed I could just review two other snack cakes and be done with it. By the time I realized that this was not the case, I had already visited my favorite aisle at Wal-Mart and had picked up some Oatmeal Creme Pies (as can be seen in the above picture as the overlord watching the fights between the chocolates) and Ho-Hos and was not inclined to return and buy more candy/snack cakes, so I decided to simply collect the assorted candies I had laying around my room and rank them in terms of deliciousness with the added bonus of alerting you as to which chocolate will give you the worst chocolate breath.

  1. Peppermint Hershey’s Kiss

Full disclosure: I fell in love with these things last year and I never looked back, even though I ate 15 in one sitting and almost died from the stomachache they gave me. But I will explain to you why you should love them as well by telling you why exactly they’re my number 1. The first thing I noticed was that Hershey’s purposefully changed the wrapping by adding little red horseshoes (which are supposed to be candy canes apparently) to the normally bland tin foil. When I opened it, SURPRISE, I found that the interior has changed as well as the exterior, because the kiss is white and red stripped just like a real candy cane! If that right there isn’t enough to get you excited about these things I don’t know what will! Just kidding- I do, the taste is also another way to get you hype for these things. When I put it in my mouth the peppermint instantly took me over, but it’s not a sharp peppermint like a real candy cane, it’s peppermint that has been coated in white chocolate. As the (white) chocolate dissolves you start to feel tiny bumps buried in the chocolate. The tiny bumps are nothing other than ground up peppermint, and if you’re a heathen who chews their chocolate instead of savoring it, you’ll notice that the peppermint pieces snap and crack under your teeth with the same kinds of sounds you’ll hear from a roaring Christmas fire.

Chocolate Breath Warning: Slight- your breath will smell faintly like white chocolate, but the peppermint is what people will probably smell first and more strongly.

2. Cadbury Dairy Milk Chocolate with English Toffee

This gets second place because it doesn’t have a poppin flavor like the Peppermint Kiss does. There’s nothing extraordinary about its appearance besides some air bubbles it has in the chocolate due to the toffee that’s inside. It melts quickly in your mouth which causes the chocolate to coat your cheeks with thick chocolate goo. The toffee is fun to chew because it’s so crunchy, the only downside is that it easily gets stuck in your back teeth but it tastes so good that having it get stuck in your teeth is a blessing because it means you get to taste it for a longer period of time.

Chocolate Breath Warning: Mild- after the creamy aftertaste goes away, you’re left with enough chocolate breath to have someone know you’ve been eating chocolate, but they won’t be overpowered.

3. Cadbury Royal Dark Chocolate with Sea Salt and Caramel

This chocolate is a deeper brown than the milk chocolate, which comes as no surprise considering that it is dark chocolate. It is also smoother than the milk chocolate as it doesn’t have any air bubbles. When I picked it up, it felt heavier than the milk chocolate, which I am assuming is because of the caramel filling inside. The dark chocolate took a little bit longer to melt in my mouth, and I really had to work at the top of the chocolate (since I’m a sucker, not a heathen biter) to get the chocolate to melt away enough to release the caramel inside. The caramel, however, instantly melted and coated the inside of my mouth much like the milk chocolate, only with a sticker consistency. Even though nothing got stuck in my teeth with this chocolate, I still gave this one 3rd place instead of 2nd place because the richness of the chocolate caused a slight burning sensation at the back of my throat. It went away as soon as I swallowed a couple of times, but it was still enough of an annoyance to dock it down to number 3.

Chocolate Breath Warning: Strong- the dark chocolate doesn’t leave your mouth as quickly and easily as the milk chocolate, causing your chocolate breath to be more intense and longer lasting.

4. Reese’s Peanut Butter Bell

This was also a holiday themed candy like the Peppermint Kiss, but unlike the Peppermint Kiss, it was not innovative and not memorable. When I tried to get it out of the wrapper much of the bottom stayed behind, but that may have been because it was warm in the room and I had left it sitting out for too long. The bell left chocolate residue on my fingers when I picked it up and put it in my mouth, but the plus side was that the chocolate was so melty already it instantaneously dissolved in my mouth. The downside of this was that I was left with a bunch of sweetened peanut butter goo in my mouth with no chocolate. The peanut butter goo had an uncanny ability to be sticky even though it was damp from my saliva. The goo stuck to the roof of my mouth and was so sticky I had to swallow a bunch of times to get it all down. Like the Cadbury dark chocolate, it also left a burning sensation in the back of my throat.

Chocolate Breath Warning: Slight- since what’s left in your mouth by the end is mostly peanut butter, your breath will smell more like peanut butter than chocolate.

5. Hershey’s Chocolate Kiss

Full disclosure: I have been prejudiced against Chocolate Kisses ever since I accidentally ate a super stale Kiss that left me with a horrible taste in my mouth and a thirty second panic that I was going to die after consuming much out of date chocolate. I did not, thankfully, die, but I left that experience with a hatred for Chocolate Kisses and Hershey’s chocolate in general (except for the blessed Peppermint Kisses). Putting my traumatic memory aside, I popped this kiss in my mouth after making doubly sure it was not stale. This type of Kiss took a long time to melt in my mouth and I had to actively suck on it in order for it to start melting. Eventually I gave up on trying to savor it and just bit into it instead. As I chewed it I noticed it was simultaneously dry and squishy, it had almost a rubbery texture which definitely threw me off. I felt like it had a somewhat gross and stale after taste, but that could have been my memories resurfacing. The Kiss didn’t leave any residue, except for the disappointing taste of chocolate I know could be better.

Chocolate Breath Warning: Slight- I’m not sure there’s enough chocolate in these things to give you chocolate breath, but it does leave behind something.

 

I was going to review 8 chocolates, but I had just come back from Panera and I figured eating 8 chocolates in one sitting after that wouldn’t do my body any good so I left it at 5.

To sum up: the chocolate to make it out as the winner of the chocolate fight club was the Peppermint Kiss (my absolute all time fave), but if you’re not a fan of peppermint, try the Cadbury Milk Chocolate with Toffee, it’s fun to chew and it doesn’t leave a bad taste in your mouth or a burning sensation in the back of your throat!

 

 

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Zebra Cakes

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And here we see the wild Zebra Cakes consuming its main ingredient along with its fellow Cadbury chocolate squares.

While on my first safari to the snack cake aisle at Wal-Mart, I had the good fortune of seeing a box of wild zebra cakes which I quickly snatched before they were able to stampede away towards the Ho-Hos. Not being able to wait until I got back to my dorm room, I eagerly cut the box open and ripped into the plastic covering of the zebra cake.

As soon as I touched the Zebra Cake’s slightly oily surface, which makes you think it’s leaving residue on your fingers even though it really isn’t, I was instantly reminded of my childhood and how I would beg my mom to buy a box of Zebra Cakes, promising her that I would eat them sparingly only to promptly eat four as soon as I got home (which I did this time around too, but you know, old habits die hard, right?).

At first bite the Zebra Cake offers a slight resistance, the sugary vanilla flavored shell yields to your (hopefully) stronger teeth and allows you to access the slightly dry sponge cake beneath. Even though the sponge cake is dry, it’s still soft, sort of like how I assume a cotton ball would feel and taste like if saturated with sugary goodness and left to dry. The cream center helps to moisten the sponge cake, and while there isn’t as much cream as I would like there to be, it is what lingers the most. Its super sweetness refuses to leave your mouth much like your favorite pop song that gets stuck in your head. The longer the song stays in your head the more you start to hate it, much like the sweetness the cream leaves behind (but I also have eaten like four in the past two days so what do I know).

Is it worth the calories?

I would say a soft yes, as soft as the vanilla shell is on this mostly delicious Zebra Cake. Is it worth the calories to eat the two that are provided in the package? I would say it depends on how much you hate yourself that day. For me, coming out of Sorority recruitment, those cakes full of sugary goodness were indeed worth the calories as they let me forget my tired body and troubled soul for as long as it took me to realize, after much confusion, that there was not, in fact, any Zebra Cake shell residue on my fingers.